I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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