don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
