Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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