He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
