12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
