My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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