I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
