I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
