i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
