Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
