sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
