Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
