Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
