Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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