He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
