I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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