Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
