I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I will be naked everywhere
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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