oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
