I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
