Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
