He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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