Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
