Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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