You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
