At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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