I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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