He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
