When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
