he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
