i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
