I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
