I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
