It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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