I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
