I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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