you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
