Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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