don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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