OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
