I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
