His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
