Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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