I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
