Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
