I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
