i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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