During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
