God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can tuck mytits in my pants
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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