I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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